A completely unbiased and objective review of the movie "Twilight". Which, by the way, was absolutely amazing.

Like millions of other people, I saw Twilight on opening night. I dressed up in my best vampire costume: a long black cape, prosthetic fangs, thick black eyeliner, and I made sure to bring an ugly girl in the same getup because everyone knows when you dress up like a vampire it makes you look hotter than Christina Ricci in the movie Casper before she started looking like a heroin addict.

I sat in the middle of the theatre because that's where all the best vampires sit. I made sure my ugly date sat two seats away so I didn't draw any attention to myself through her - my awesome vampire self attracts more than enough attention and I'm not so full of myself that I need to hurt her self-esteem more.

The theatre I went to was showing the rarely-seen scratch-n-sniff version of Twilight. Every time the gay vampire smelled the human girl you scratched the card and for ten seconds the smell of cheetos and dry humping was replaced with vampiric euphoria. Or cheap perfume, I don't really have much experience in that aspect of human culture.

The movie really kicked into full gear when the gay vampire showed the girl his skin in the sunlight. This is where, for me, the movie really earned every Oscar it was cheated out of by big-name assholes in Hollywood who have enough money to steal Oscars away from the real pieces of art. Vampires are really only affected by one signifigant weakness: sunlight. Twilight's vampires not only kicked the sun's ass but managed to make it an ally by helping the vampires get rich. If they ever need money they can just harvest each other's skin - which will immediately grow back since they're a vampire - and sell it to jewelry shops. No wonder the vampire family lived in such a nice house.

I could summarize this review into one word: Awesome, but that wouldn't be doing the movie justice. An epic like Twilight needs to be discussed and kept in the spotlight for as long as it takes for a sequel to be released - and then us vampires who started with the first movie can judge the vampires who don't get into Twilight until its sequel comes.

I'm going to finish this review of the best movie ever made with a simple categorical ranking system for each key aspect of movies. Scored between 1 and 10 (no half marks) this is how Twilight stacks up..

Story: 10

The story in Twilight is really top-notch. I heard that the book kind of sucked but vampire movies really are difficult to screw up. Vampires? Check. Humans? Check. Some sort of event or conflict that serves to risk the vampire way of life? Check. It's tried and true, why try to come up with a new idea when the same idea works every single time?

Acting: 10

The gay vampire alone earned this category it's 10. I really felt his emotions as he gazed into the soul of the human girl. I could feel his hunger like it was my own. Even after I ate my cheetos I still felt hungry, that's how I knew I was feeling the same vampiric hunger as the gay vampire. It was like he was me, only I'm not gay.

Special Effects: 10

It's really easy to screw up special effects in a vampire movie. Vampires, as a rule, don't shoot fire from their eyes and don't produce magical rainbows when they weave their hands in symbolic patterns. They do, however, run extremely fast and climb trees quickly despite not having any claws, talons, or even long nails to help them climb so fast. But hell, if Tarzan could do it, why not vampires? Unless Tarzan was a vampire.. oh, damn. I'm going to have to write on my vampire blog about that one. Maybe a new fanfic!

Awesomeness: 11

Awesomeness is judged by how awesome (or unawesome) a movie is. Twilight, being the most awesome, should have a score unattainable by any other movie to emphasize just how awesome it truly is. Thus, 11 out of 10 for Awesomeness. Seriously, this movie kicks ass.

Average: 10.25
Verdict: Awesome