I'm Admiral Dr. Albert Awesome, Ph.D and I am here to tell you a real truth that has the entire world fooled.

Hello there, I'm Admiral Dr. Albert Awesome, Ph.D - or Admiral Dr. Albert Awesome for short. Unfortunately they don't have a way for me to express my multiple Ph.Ds in my name because I actually have seven of them. I used to call myself Admiral Dr. Albert Awesome, Ph.D x7 but the Money Mart Cash Advance forms don't allow you to use numbers in your name so to avoid the hassle of dealing with some stupid Money Mart cashier over the proper way to write my name I decided to just cut the x7 and take my $300 cash advance.

Now little did you know but Admiral Dr. Albert Awesome, Ph.D is actually a world-renowned journalist. And boy, do I have a bit of journalism to show you right now! Don't try and search for me on Google though, I write under a fake name so nobody discovers my identity - journalists in the public eye are always at risk of being kidnapped or walking on landmines and I don't like exploding very much.

But enough about me, Admiral Dr. Albert Awesome, Ph.D, this article of extreme journalism is about the NHL and the WWE.

Ever since Stone Cold Steve Austin gave Mr. Vince McMahon the Stone Cold Stunner on live television and was still allowed to enter the building the next week the entire world has known that wrestling is fake. Seriously, you don't Stone Cold Stunner the most powerful man in professional wrestling and just walk away - UNLESS it's rigged. Mr. Vince McMahon wanted Stone Cold Steve Austin to give him the Stone Cold Stunner. I can only assume he gets off on violence and went home to his bed, rolled around in WWE swag and masturbated to a WWE Divas magazine with all the Divas heads cut off and replaced by Stone Cold Steve Austin's head.

Fuck, I just threw up on my pajamas.

. . .

Okay, I'm back. That ellipsis was to indicate that time has passed since I changed into another pair of pajamas without vomit on them. Personally I don't find Stone Cold Steve Austin attractive, but whatever floats your boat Mr. Vince McMahon.

Now look at "professional" hockey. Vancouver Canucks, Anaheim Mighty Ducks, Colorado Assrams, Boston Red Sox, and Toronto Maple Leafs. These names remind me of some of the professional wrestlers we've seen over the years: The Rock, The Hurricane, Triple H, The Undertaker. They're all stupid. You know what Canucks means? Canadian. But you can't call them the Vancouver Canadians because the team is mostly made up of Europeans and a few Americans. Congratulations, your local team supports abandoning your country (which, in some countries, is considered treason) for a large sum of Canadian dollars. Shit, we can't call them Canadian dollars - now we need to call them Canuck dollars. Oh, or Canucks' Bucks - that one is getting sent to the patent office tomorrow morning. I see an 8th Ph.D in the future of Admiral Dr. Albert Awesome, Ph.D (x8).

So we already have similar names for hockey teams. Now what about the "competition"? Two teams of five skaters plus a goalie skate around holding sticks and wearing armor - but they're not allowed to hit each other with the sticks. Well first of all that's bullshit - why wear armor if you can't stickfight? Instead they have to hit a small round object, BUT IT IS NOT A BALL, it's called a "puck". Moving onto the second similarity between the NHL and the WWE is prancing about like nancyboys.

What? How did you make that transition, Admiral Dr. Albert Awesome, Ph.D? Well I'll tell you. In my many years as an Admiral of both the Navy AND the Army it was my duty to come up with different ways to throw people off. Before we won the war in Vietnam I came up with the great idea to take the loudspeakers out of our bases and put them on jeeps. We'd then drive those jeeps into enemy territory loaded with bombs and rocking out to Queen and The Rolling Stones. When the Viatnamese showed up to build a nightclub around our portable rockhouse we blew those fuckers skyhigh. The Americans driving the trucks were wearing hockey pads and thus were never killed.

"Athletes" in the WWE study ballet and other forms of wussydance in order to make their flips and dives seem more realistic and exciting. NHL players study figure skating for 78 hours each week so they can spin and dance on the ice and make the crowd entertained.

Moving on, this year, in 2010, it has become clear that the winner of an NHL game is decided before the game takes place. How? The Winter Olympics.

This year's Winter Olympics were held in Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada. Home of the Canucks' Bucks (patent pending) spending European hockey team. I'll give you two chances to guess who won the Olympics. First guess was Canada? Well, you are absolutely right.

The Olympics are the only pure sporting event left and to insinuate that it is rife with corruption would be completely inappropriate and might even cause me to lose two of my Ph.Ds. But the NHL is not free of such corruption, and all the players in the Olympics are NHL players.

In the final, USA vs Canada for the Gold Medal, all the players and coaches sat in the locker rooms and agreed who would win. They decided the rate of penalties, the goals, and the type of belts the referees wore (a lot of the Canadian Olympic team are anti-leather).

Again comes the question of how do you know?

Every game the USA played they destroyed the opposition. Every game Canada played they destroyed the opposition. Except when they played each other. Canada allowed the USA to win the first game because they wanted to play the USA in the final. They played grabass with each other and allowed the USA to score goals in that first game knowing it would lead them to victory over the USA. Canada might have also wanted a chance to beat on the Russians, though I never confirmed that with my highly reliable sources at the NHL.

The main difference between NHL games and Olympic games is that NHL games never end 7-0. Most NHL games are 1-0, 2-1 or at most 3-2. This keeps the audience excited for the entire game and gives them the illusion that one side could make a great, last minute comeback to create a huge upset.

Oh, wait, that sounds familiar.. Like the time team USA scored a last-minute goal in the Gold Medal game, causing the crowd to go berserk and buy more beer and t-shirts since they now had to play for another 20 minutes. Genius.

The only games we saw that played like NHL games were the USA and Canada, who happened to have all NHL players on their teams. Other teams, even if they had NHL players, had amateur players who could not be trusted with the secret, so they were never given a chance to reach the gold medal.

You might think that I, Admiral Dr. Albert Awesome, Ph.D, am trying to suggest that the National Hockey League and World Wrestling Entertainment are full of nancyboys. Well, I am suggesting that but I cannot make that negative statement without adding something positive. These entertainers must be in top physical condition. Both the WWE and NHL players are all very strong, fast, agile, quick, limber, and speedy. They need to be in order to fool the audience and keep them entertained. For this reason alone, entertainment, they are providing a great service. They also provide the world with more alcoholics, and, as a result, domestic abuse.

This peak athletic condition is not fake, and the evidence of that exists too. Several years ago The Rock got into a fight with Seven of Nine and slammed her with The Rock Bottom. He would have given her The People's Elbow but there were no ropes on their alien spaceship deathmatch arena. Nevertheless, you don't beat an ex-borg drone without some insane physical training.

What you do with this knowledge is up to you. Maybe you will ignore it, maybe you will try to boycott the NHL. Perhaps you will go home and give your wife The Rock Bottom onto the bed and have your way with her (don't do that move if she's pregnant, though). Whatever you do, now you are more educated.

Well folks, this is Admiral Dr. Albert Awesome, Ph.D signing off.

-Admiral Dr. Albert Awesome, Ph.D.