Sim Jess, you were too good for this world.

Electronic Arts is pretty much the Satan of the gaming world. Lots of faithful and misguided followers but the majority of the world knows of their underhanded tactics and extreme anti-piracy which punishes legitimate customers more than pirates. If I buy a copy of Spore and install it three times because over the course of two years I format my computer four times (once every 6 months) for any reason, be it hardware failure or boredom, the fourth time I install Spore the game will tell me my CD-KEY is no longer valid - I must purchase a new copy of the game.

But if I download that game for free I can install it as many times as I want and the only downside is I don't have access to the online function. When the majority of the online creations are giant phalluses, am I really losing out? By the way, Spore sucks hard.

I have fond memories of The Sims. I played the original and about half of the expansions, I even played The Sims Online before I discovered it was more or less equal to the rated R furry sections of Second Life minus the custom scripted sex scenes. The Sims 3 was first acquired for my wife to see, because she's new to the gaming world and I know many women liked the original Sims. She found the game intriguing so I dug up my old Sims 1 games and put them on her computer while I continued to play Sims 3.

Enter Sim Jess. I've never been one for making some extreme alter-ego with all the characteristics I wish I had. Probably because my real self HAS all the characteristics I wish I had. The Sims 3 was able to reproduce them somewhat effectively. The traits I chose were absent-minded, clumsy, insane, evil, and computer whiz. I chose evil because when you take a shower you take an evil shower. It's awesome.

Well here I was doing all sorts of evil things, like taking a shower and preparing a snack. I had a wife in the game but she didn't seem to appreciate how evil and awesome I was. Within minutes I was no longer married - but she refused to leave the house. Instead, she would just walk around sobbing about how heartbroken she was every time she saw me. The crying was annoying and Evil Sim Jess looked for a "suffocate with pillow" option but there was none to be found.

I decided if Evil Sim Jess was ever going to have an enjoyable life he needed to be alone in it. He moved out of the house he paid for and left behind all the furniture he bought and moved into an empty lot. He only had enough money to build two rooms, so he slept on the couch.. fiendishly.

Sim Jess then went to the local gym to get pumped up for his new job: criminal. There he met Holly, a character who was intrigued by Sim Jess' evil ways. They chatted, they flirted, Jess invited her over for pizza that night. Holly came over, ate pizza, and watched TV. Sim Jess found he only had the one chair so he sat on the toilet to eat his pizza and autumn salad and then washed his dishes in the bathroom sink.

Holly didn't look like she wanted to get out of that chair so Sim Jess just went to bed with her still watching TV. She left around midnight.

Sim Jess' first day of work was successful. He met a new accomplice and thought he'd done a good job. Sadly it was not meant to be, the new accomplice (or Sim Jess' clumsy trait) got him caught by the police and he spent the rest of the day in a jail cell playing dominos. Jess left the police station hungry and exhausted. The only option seemed to be order more pizza and throw a party. Sim Jess spent his last 180 simoleons on a small radio for dance music as the guests arrived.

The party sucked, possibly because the pizza didn't taste good, or the music was set to classical, or the fact that Sim Jess tried to go to bed but everyone was being noisy so he kept waking up and shouting at them. After all the guests were finally gone Sim Jess didn't bother cleaning and just fell asleep on his plastic pink couch.

Sim Jess awoke the next morning completely rejuvenated.. somehow. He had the day off and decided to try again. This time his party would be awesome, he'd have it at a pool! He rented the pool with the last bit of his money and went to meet the guests. The party was awesome! Everyone was swimming and having a good time. Sim Jess stayed in the pool a little too long though, and became fatigued. The music suddenly changed from happy to very suspenseful as Sim Jess began to drown. The other ten people in the pool, instead of helping him not drown, jumped out of the pool and stood around it like idiots. Sim Jess died in front of about ten of his "friends", none of whom even tried to save him. His ex-wife cried for about ten seconds, then went sunbathing in one of the chairs beside the pool. As quickly as his life began, it was ended violently and in an immense amount of pain.

Evil Sim Jess, we loved you.