Nothing is More Rewarding than Terrifying Children.

It's Halloween in the West and though I'm in the East I've taken it upon myself to scare children. In the supermarket today a mother pointed to me and told her baby to say hello. Instead of allowing the baby to say hello I leapt at him and screamed "BOO!" after putting on a scary mask I conveniently happened to have.

Halloween isn't the only day of the year that you can scare children though. In fact, the other holidays are all the best days to scare kids.

Easter: Take your kid (or your neighbor's kid when they dump him on you so they can go to the Olive Garden) to the petting zoo and stay with the rabbits until they bite the child's finger. Later, at Easter, remind the child that they met the Easter bunny that day at the petting zoo and now he was going to come into the house while the child is sleeping and hide eggs all over the house - the child will make you promise to keep the Easter Bunny out forever.

Christmas: A fat guy breaks into your house to leave gifts in your living room. It's so easy to use Santa Claus I'm not even going to try very hard. Tell your children that if you don't leave him milk and cookies he will murder your parents. Bonus points to those parents who cover themselves in fake blood and lie in death poses around the Christmas tree.

Remembrance Day (Canada): Children are encouraged to wear those fake poppy flowers with the sharp pins on their shirts. If you "accidentally" stab your child with the pin they'll be afraid of this day for the rest of their lives.

There is one important reason why it's better to scare children instead of adults. I'll explain with a story from my life. I was living with my sister a few years ago and I had the brilliant idea of hiding in her closet while I waited for her to come home. When she got home she thought she was alone so she turned up her music and started chatting with a friend who was in on it. He initiated webcam and when they were on the camera together I jumped out of her closet and screamed. Instead of screaming and crying and running away she screamed and then sprayed me in the face with pepper spray and hit me in the head with a baseball bat eleven times before she realized it was me. Sadly the friend was a computer moron and failed to record the adventure so we were not Youtube famous.