If you are thinking of having a baby then you have come to the right place.

Having a baby can be a wonderful, happy experience for a family. Children are a lot of work, however, and unless you are prepared to put in your full effort your child could turn out to be an idiot. There are more than enough idiots in the world, we do not need more. Jesstival feels it is necessary to assist the world in breeding less idiots. I am aware that idiots will not listen to good advice which makes this page entirely useless but I drew a flowchart so I have to write it anyway.

Procreation is not for everyone. This statement has countless amounts of evidence on the web, from sites like icanhascheezburger to ratemypoo, the latter of which I have not verified still exists for the sake of my breakfast. Even in the real world every day we can see evidence of people who should not have had a child. The mother who drags her child across six lanes of busy traffic ten metres away from the crosswalk because it is faster, or the people who leave their three children and dog in the back of their SUV for three hours while they are in the casino at the Roulette table. Stupidity breeds stupidity and it will only serve to continue infecting the human race. Every stupid person who procreates is making the situation worse.

In this case, stupidity is not necessarily a measure of education. Rather, it is a measure of things like common sense, logical and critical thinking, and understanding priorities. You could be a wealthy and highly educated corporate lawyer but if you teach your child how to play Craps when he is six you are doing it wrong.

Flowcharts are really cool so I have created a flowchart to outline some of the biggest red flags in the decision to have a child. If you finish this test on the DO NOT PROCREATE side you know you are not ready to take that step. This handy thumbnail will link you directly to the full image.

This list is not comprehensive as there are many more conditions that disqualify someone from being a good parent but it is a start. Now, we can have some fun with bullet lists to go into detail about the flowchart.

• High School: No matter how grown up you are if you are in high school and you believe you could be a good parent you are wrong. I am going to make up a new statistic: high school students who have a child are 79% more likely to murder their parents and child after three years, and 91% likely before the child turns 10.
• Obesity: Fat people should not have children (or sex). How can you teach your child proper eating habits when you stuff your face with snack cakes and Doritos?
• Passing the Buck: When bad things happen to you it is almost always your fault. Hit by a car? Get out of the street. Bike stolen? Lock it properly. Did your child take a gun to school and shoot fifteen classmates and teachers? Video games did not do that to your child. States and countries with the death penalty should execute parents for the crimes of their children. They should execute children too, a fifteen year old murderer will not be rehabilitated, that child is broken.
• Marriage: While I do believe marriage in today's society is not necessary to live a full life the same cannot be said about raising a child. A child needs daily interaction with both parents and divorced parents hate each other too much to see each other every day. Commonlaw marriages do count, but only if the relationship is closed. Open relationships teach children that it is okay to have sex with their house pets.
• Marriage Problems: If you and your partner are thinking about divorce you should not consider a child as a method to solve your problems. I am amazed at how often this happens, and more amazed at how surprised people are when their marriage is no better and they get divorced anyway. The problem is now they have brought a child into the mixture, a child who will probably grow up and eat people.
• Smoking Pot: This could be extended to all drugs as well as alcohol abuse. No matter how relaxed society gets about smoking pot until the day it is fully legalized and regulated by the government you are breaking the law. Would you encourage a rapist to have a child? Why are you any different, criminal?
• "MY child will never be like that": Many people may have said this in the past but the thing you need to realize is that your child will misbehave. They may not pee on a car when you turn your back but they will do something else that pisses you off, and more importantly, makes other people think the same thing. Every child does stupid shit and if you honestly believe your child will not be like the other obnoxious brats out there then you are not ready to have a child.
• Homosexuality: Your teenage son comes home with a sullen look on his face. Being a good parent you take him to the living room for a sit-down. His eyes filling with water he struggles out the words "Mom/Dad, I'm gay." There are only two correct responses to this: if you live in an apartment on the third floor or higher, throw the child out the window; if you live in a house, stab yourself with a knife then put the knife in your child's hands. While he is confused and screaming have your partner club him in the back of the head with a flowerpot and then call the police. Tell the police your child tried to kill you and he will go to prison where he can enjoy being gay in the showers.

As I said before this list is not complete. There are hundreds of disqualifying factors and failing in any one of those means you will not be a good parent. Do not become another made-up statistic!