My New Years Resolution

A New Years Resolution is often designed to help people overcome flaws or accomplish goals they might not otherwise have the motivation to accomplish. Being that I have no flaws and I have already accomplished everything in my life I ever wanted or needed to accomplish, this leaves me at a loss during the days leading up to the new year.

Inspired by my coworkers and friends, who all came up with resolutions like eat less junk food and lose 10 pounds, I decided that if I do have a flaw it's that I set the bar too high. Everyone who knows me wants to be like me and everyone who doesn't know me wants to be like me too - they just don't know me to compare their dream-self to.

To help lower the bar a little I've come up with a fabulous set of smaller resolutions which will accomplish the overall resolution of being less amazing.

1. Twice a month I will throw a fist-sized stone at a child from 50m away. The stone may or may not hit the child but anyone who witnesses such an act will think I'm a total asshole. This will allow them to idolize me a little bit less.
2. Once per week I will sneak into the home of an elderly woman and eat all her digestive crackers. Inside the box I'll leave a picture of myself smiling and giving a peace sign (very popular in China). When she is too constipated to move she'll phone her grandson to bitch at him for never calling her as he tries to remind her that she always turns the ringer off because the sound reminds her of the war.
3. Every day I'll call a random phone number and try to sell them an insurance package they would never be able to use. If they refuse to buy my bear trap insurance to cover any damages caused by bear traps between the hours of 3:00PM and 4:00PM Monday through Wednesday I'll tell them how stupid they are and how I'm trying to offer them a bargain then hang up on them.

These simple steps will guarantee that everyone wants to be like me just a little less, thus lowering the bar and my main resolution will succeed. I anticipate I'll be finished by March, maybe April - depending on how many digestive cookies I have to eat.