The smell of my feet at night should be against the law.

I am a somewhat normal white human male. My heritage comes from various parts of Europe (though none from France, thankfully) and what that means is that like other white human males originating from Europe, I stink. Bad.

People like me use deodorant to mask our heinous odours and we take frequent showers to ensure our bodies remain as pleasant as possible. This has nothing to do with wanting to please other people, it has everything to do with wanting to please ourselves. No man enjoys the smell of another man's armpit or sweaty anus and thus, no man should enjoy the smell of his own armpit or sweaty anus.

My wife has insisted that I wear shoes at all times in the house. Running shoes are unsuitable as I'm not running and they are impractical if I need to slip them off momentarily, such as to stand on a chair to replace a lightbulb - normally a task reserved for the wife except for a brief nine months while she carries her replacement for menial labour. Instead, she has me wearing slippers. But since it is winter time they should be heavy slippers to keep my feet warm.

This is counter-productive, however. Yes they keep my feet warm, but should I take them off even for a brief moment or simply lean on them in a way that an air pocket forms within them that air quickly fills with a stench most foul. It can be quickly identified and the hole plugged but the stink takes several minutes to leave the area. And, from time to time, can force me to leave the area until that happens.

The solution, it seems, only causes another problem. I could wear my running shoes but I still have four months of standing on chairs. I could wear lighter shoes that allow constant breathing of my feet but then they might freeze and fall off. It seems that this is the lesser of three evils, but it's still enough to bitch about it.