Is your plane being hijacked? Read on to discover how you can stop airplane hijacking today!

Many of us have never been the victim of a plane hijacking. For those few who have that experience and live to tell about it they always describe it as a traumatizing experience and many people seem to develop a fear of flying afterwards.

Bullshit.

Here is what I do not understand. A Boeing 767 can seat between 181 and 375 passengers, depending on the model of plane. An Airbus A330 can seat between 295 and 440 passengers. Let's be generous and say that there are ten hijackers on your aircraft (in reality it is typically far fewer than ten). That leaves a minimum of 171 other passengers. The people who are not hijackers outnumber the highjackers seventeen to one.

Oh, wait. The hijackers have weapons? What sort of weapons do they have? A knife? A makeshift bomb? A gun? Let's look at the most dangerous weapon there: the gun. I went to my good friend Yahoo Answers to find some important information. While some people have suggested that a handgun magazine could carry as many as 150 bullets a Top Contributor named Fatefinger had this to say:

"Impossible to answer. There is only 1 in the chamber but as for how many it can hold that depends on the specific gun. A revolver 5-8 usually 6 and semi-autos 8 to 20 depending on caliber and make." [Link]

A lot of posters seem to think the number is between twelve and fifteen for a typical 9mm handgun with some guns having extended magazines. You need to consider some other factors though, such as how are ten hijackers going to smuggle ten guns onto an airplane? With the US now scanning your stomach and anus in addition to your bags it's harder than ever to hide a gun. Perhaps five hijackers each take one piece of the gun so they do not look suspicious (let's even ignore the fact that the guy with the bullets would be picked up). That means two guns, and being generous again that means at most forty bullets.

171 passengers left and 40 bullets. Assuming the two hijackers with guns don't miss any of their shots, they have the ability to kill 40 people.

Do you see what I'm getting at yet? There are 171 of you, there are ten of them. If you sit there and do nothing you're going to crash into a building and die anyway. When you find out there's no god and your ghost goes to the ghost city (which is under Las Vegas, more on that later) everyone is going to know that you were the pussy who hid with his head between his knees while terrorists crashed their plane into the Statue of Liberty. It's your fault all those babies died. Their parents were at the Statue of Liberty trying to set a new Guiness World Record for the most babies to be gathered in one place. The other ghosts won't like you very much, especially the dead baby ghosts, and you will have to live in the house with the actresses from Desperate Housewives and the guy who invented aviator sunglasses.

Hijackers rarely have guns, as those are too risky to try and smuggle. They are likely to have some other type of small weapon, such as a knife or a morning star. I've compiled a list of the most commonly-used weapons that a hijacker might have, and a strategy to employ against such a weapon.

1. Knife. Knives come in many shapes and sizes but there is a good chance that the knife your hijacker has is small and easy to conceal. If you are up against a hijacker with a small knife the biggest fear you should have is if the guy he stabbed before you had HIV or not. A small knife isn't going to kill you unless you're stabbed dozens of times, and if you let a hijacker stab you dozens of times then that's what we call Natural Selection. If he is trying to slash at you, just pick up a baby and use it as a shield so you can rush at him. Hijackers won't stab babies, and if they do then at least it wasn't you.
2. Bomb he built in the bathroom. Hijacker comes out of the bathroom with a "bomb" strapped to his chest and threatens to blow himself and everyone up if anyone tries anything stupid. Well you know what is stupid? Making a bomb in the bathroom. Odds are it's a fake, and if not then at least you know he failed his objective. No virgins for him.
3. Hostages. Some hijackers will take hostages, usually women or children as they are smaller, weaker, and easier to carry and beat. If the hijackers are using hostages with threats of killing the hostages should anyone get out of their seats, then it's time to show those hijackers you mean boss. Take a hostage yourself. Find a little girl, about six or seven years old, and snap her neck. Threaten to kill her if they do not give themselves up. When someone points out that you already killed her, snap that person's neck too. The hijackers will be so terrified of you they will surrender.
4. Box Cutters. This alleged weapon of the Sept. 11 hijackings may have been possible to get onto a plane before 9/11 but good luck doing so now. Nevertheless, if your hijacker did manage to get box cutters on board you can be happy knowing that there are only a few places on your body that a box cutter can kill you. You don't need to know what places they are, just get in there and stop that hijacking! Odds are you live.
5. Morning Star/Heavy Mace. These type of bludgeoning weapons were effective in medieval times as weapons to use against heavily armored opponents. Swords couldn't cut through heavy armor, but a morning star or heavy mace could create a shockwave which would cause damage through the armor. Morning stars, with their large spikes, could sometimes puncture armor and both types could dent armor and cause serious damage to the wearer's body. Additionally, one might use a mace or morning star to damage an opponent's armor and expose flesh, then stab with a small knife or dagger. If you encounter a hijacker wielding a morning star, immediately remove all heavy armor and be prepared to dodge or parry. Without armor the spikes on the morning star are going to go right into your internal organs, which I'm told is rather painful. Take advantage of the weapon's clumsiness and use a diversion.

Alternatively, we could make an airline which only allows white people but that would be racist and inappropriate to talk about on this family-friendly website.