I had a chat with one of my friends today (former students are no longer called students) about China and life. She’s been a good friend to me for these past 10 months, and even though she’s been my student we have grown quite close. She calls me brother, I call her sister, we talk about all sorts of things. Now that I’m not her teacher anymore we can talk about things that previously we couldn’t due to me needing to maintain a vague level of professionalism. Did I spell that right? Oh well.
Anyway, today I felt a little homesick and yet the thought of leaving China made me feel worse. Two years from now I’ll be back in Canada for 4-5 years getting school finished. In that time I’m going to never see some of the great friends I’ve made since coming here. Let’s face it, I didn’t have much of a social circle in Victoria. I have friends in Canada but they are spread out around the country and no matter where I live at most I’m going to be near one or two of them. Jesstival 2008 showed me that I have some of the most amazing friends in the world – but I rarely get to see them in person. Being in China or being in Montreal isn’t going to change the frequency at which I see them by very much. However, being in Canada WILL affect the frequency at which I see my new friends on this side of the world.
Joel, for instance, will likely only go back to the West for visiting family. This is a guy who is always there when I need him – and it’s not because we’re the only two white guys in town. That may be why we became friends in the first place but that’s not what built, maintained, and improved our relationship after all this time. He reads my blog, he’ll probably call me a fag for writing this and tell me to get off his dick, but deep down I know he’ll shed a secret tear for my sentiment. And it’s a mutual sentiment, though I’m not such a pussy that I’d shed a tear over it – not even a secret one.
I expressed to Angela (my ex-student, now 很朋友) that I didn’t want to leave. She said, quite simply, why not stay? If only it were that easy.. I have to come back to Canada to finish my education. I COULD go to school in China but I’d rather do it in Canada where I have help with tuition and I can get a B.Sc. I think Natasha was experiencing a similar issue before she left.. She once told me she felt her heart was in China but she was leaving because of responsibility. And even though going back to Northern Ireland (and from there, to London School of Economics I believe) would, in the long term, help her in her life she still felt bad about leaving.
Once my school stuff is sorted out I can come back to China and stay here as long as I want. I’d also like to spend some time in other countries but I think coming back to China will be at the top of my list once school is over. This place has been my home for the last ten months and it’s felt more like home than Victoria or Chilliwack ever did. That’s not saying anything negative about my family, but in the internet age it’s basically like I never left anyway. The only part of the family that I miss is hugging my nieces and nephew, but in a few years they’ll be too old for that anyway – I don’t want to be the creepy uncle who always hugs his 14 year old niece.
Well, I’ve got at least one more year to figure it out. I won’t have to worry about comitting to my third year until April. I can take year two of China and see what happens. It’s still possible that I come home after my second year to get the school stuff over and done with, but that’ll depend heavily on how my second year here goes. If year two is anything like year one I’ll probably put in my third year without hestiation – but maybe it’ll be filled with drama and horrible things!